She told me up front that she didn’t want children. I have to give her that. Even though it shouldn’t have happened the way it did, I was beyond thinking about such things. What caused this was my frustration towards the lack of understanding I’d found in the last six or seven women I’d dated. In my book this is the key ingredient to great relationships. Not the be all and end all, no, but building blocks at least. Much as I hate to admit it, this is how I ended up at the speed dating website and subsequent dining hall.
As my mother would have liked, I dressed to the nines that night, wearing both a suit and tie, and it’s only as I’m three ladies deep that I find my life changed forevermore.
She was heaven, pure and simple. All brown hair short and blue eyes wide.
All told, the very physical traits I’d come to look for in a face – ones that remind me of both my parents and what I might be able to re-create if I found just the right girl.
The body would always be part of it too, yes, as well as personality, but if that spark isn’t there from the get go then really, what the fuck’s the point? It needs to breathe, that initial attraction, inflating until it must combine or die, depending, of course, upon the other person involved. This goes without saying, and I wouldn’t want anyone to think otherwise. I say this not only because I’m priority focused, but because I’m the type of person who cares how their actions are viewed. That’s out there for me, and I know I am far from the only person who thinks this way, but my father always said it was best to tell the truth if you want to be taken seriously. I want to be taken seriously. It’s all I seem to dream of.
Sasha felt it too, that opening spark, there as we shook hands – what I’m told two weeks into our courtship. This is also when she reiterates that she doesn’t want kids. “I’m a very selfish person when it comes to certain types of scenarios, Jack. I think I should remind you of that before we continue on.”
What could I say? What could anyone say? She was beautiful and honest and the most fun of any of the women I’d been with. In truth, Sasha was everything I was looking for in a partner and someone I could seriously see spending the rest of my life with. Perhaps I was getting a bit ahead of myself, sure, but I’ll let you in on something I’ve come to realize: when a man knows, well, he just knows. I can say this no other way. It probably didn’t help that we were naked and in bed at the time, or that each of us was primed and ready for round two.
“If it still bothers you though, put it where we can’t make babies. I like it that way too. Or my mouth – just open up my throat.” Was it how nonchalant she was about it? Sometimes I think yes. Other times I’m not so sure. I mean, she had always been wild in bed, always, but soon’s I restate my desire of maybe wanting rug rats of my own, this is where things begin to change. Or fall apart. Either way, it’s followed by a decline I have truly come to dread. For one, it brought certain tendencies back into (out to?) play, ones I continue to struggle with despite my resolve: how many teeth is enough, how much bone? And second, it meant the entire process would have to repeat. In hindsight, it leads me to believe that this is where my detachment begins to form – when I finally understand I won’t be getting what I want. It’s the same thing that happened with my parents and the inheritance which had seemed so far off.
“All I want is what I had before, you know.” As with the others, the look comes slow at first, then fast, then all at once she understands. “Seems to make the heart grow fonder is what it does. Gives me hope as well, seeing what’s possible. I mean that. I truly do. I mean, I am from them aren’t I? Now I’m trying to make them from me.”
And I know how selfish this appears, I really do, but it shouldn’t take away from the fact that I’ve been trying as best I can to hurdle particular themes apparent to my life; wanting what I want, when I want it being chief amongst them. It’s why Sasha and her departure hurts a little bit more than the others I suppose, happening exactly as I hoped it would not – Sasha ultimately displaying the same lack of understanding I’d spoken of earlier. When it comes time to begin anew, however, the methods I choose will be different. No more websites or subsequent dining halls.
My parents raised their son better than that.
Bio: Beau Johnson has been published before, usually on the darker side of town. Such establishments might include Shotgun Honey, the Molotov Cocktail and/or Out of the Gutter Online. He lives in Canada with a wife who is well above his pay grade. Unfotunately, she has bore unto him 3 below average children. His fault clearly. Genes and all. They have decided to keep them though. The neighbours would talk otherwise.